Saccharine

When I saw the title of a friend's blog post this morning, my heart leapt while at the same time sinking. She'd birthed her very-much-wanted baby girl - which now brings the pregnancies of four friends all due within the past month to an end.

In a way, it's easier to cope with the newborn pictures at times than it is to cope with the tummy pictures and saccharine musings. Those I can gloss over, or choose not to read at all - I can hide away and pretend that I'm taking some time out from being online.

I started reading a book today that my naturopath let me borrow called Inconceivable, by Ben Elton. It's a romantic-comedy about a couple struggling with infertility. Used to the complex worlds of sicence-fiction (particularly space opera) I've flown through it and in the first 60 pages I've both laughed and cried. I realise how much of a broken record I am, and how I'm selfishly dwelling on what I don't have instead of what I do have (stable marriage, job, finances etc).

But I suppose at the same time the stability induces guilt, there's nothing really to validate my thoughts, nothing concrete except a piece of paper and receipts for medical services proving that I really ferociously infertile at present. Damn you fallopian tubes!

Three Cheers for my Naturopath!

I went and saw my naturopath today, I was excited since I hadn't seen her since November and I especially wanted to talk to her about the implications of artificial hormones and drugs coursing though my system come IVF cycle time.

She was fantastic and answered so many of my (new) questions, and lent me a book to read. I feel so blessed to have found her last June, and don't think my path would have been the same had I not decided to visit a holistic practicioner.

Now loaded with herbs and other such things which should last me for the next four weeks or so. ;)

Still waiting on police checks to come back.

Looks Like an Offline Day

Sometimes I wish that it were possible to log onto my Facebook account without seeing the pethora of friends posting photos or statuses about their bellies, babies or children.

I suppose that it's my own fault... I'm in my late twenties and so are most of my friends. It's logical that they've made the leap into parenthood for a multitude of reasons. There's so many websites that I need to avoid on a low day... my blogging communities, forums, photography sites - and now Facebook. It would probably be for the best that I don't go online during those days, I think I'm PMS'ing today.

P.S. - The cheque that I wrote for the police checks hasn't been cashed yet, so I doubt they'll arrive this week (hoping for next week).

Police Checks

Hubby and I got our police check forms ready over the weekend, and they were sent off with a cheque yesterday. They should take 10-14 days to come back to us, and then we can book the counselling appointment and get bloods taken (it's compulsary to submit a national police check before starting IVF treatment under the ART Bill here in my state. No, it's not something I necessarily believe in, but at the moment I'd probably jump through a hoop backwards if someone would say it'd help me get pregnant faster).

Eager to get this whole process started, I feel a bubble of excitement instead of a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

I'm shooting a wedding in October (for a friend of the family) in central Victoria, part of me wonders if treatment will have worked by then and I'll be in the midst of my first or second trimester by then? But then again, I see parallels to the entries I wrote in my other blog (this one's a secret from family/friends at this point) in the early stages of TTC where I presumed I'd be pregnant within six months. We all know that life doesn't always work that way now. ;)

Let's just say I'm progressing with cautious optimism.

First IVF Appointment

I had my referral appointment with the fertility specialist for Monash IVF today... or as it turned out, my first IVF appointment!

Little did I know that the specialist I’m seeing is actually one of the doctors there, so I won’t need to change specialists at all or go through additional blood work/ultrasounds (with the exception of the HIV/HepB/HepC; it’s law in our state prior to starting treatment). The good news is that as soon as both of our police checks are clear (if I order them after the Easter weekend, they might come back to us in 10-14 days), the blood work gets done and Matt and I see the counsellor – another compulsory part of the treatment progress.\

And from there, it should start fairly quickly... depending where I am in my cycle, of course.

Early treatment (ie, the cycle before the ‘stim’ cycle, where my eggs are collected) involves a nasal spray that works to suppress my hormones – similar to the Zoladex I was on in 2008 – and birth control pills, ironic seeing as though the point of this is to get pregnant. ;)

Once I get my period at the end of the artificial cycle, then the IVF cycle begins – the daily needles, sprays and monitoring of my follicles (where the eggs are growing in). Sure, there’s a substantial cost due at the time I get the medication, but we will get some back in Medicare rebates (as well as private health insurance covering most of the costs of day-surgery procedures and anaesthesiologist/pathology). We probably couldn’t shoulder more than two ‘stim’ cycles this year without some form of assistance, but let’s hope that it won’t come to that – I’ll just have to pick up some extra work this Term and put my camera musings on hold for a while.

It’s all so exciting, and potentially may be happening in as little as eight weeks! Seriously... two months!

The Next Step

In three sleeps (can you tell I'm a teacher of young children?) I'll be seeing my fertility specialist to seek referral to one of the IVF clinics in my city. When I last saw her in October last year, she wasn't keen to refer me on straight away (I was also having difficulty coming to terms with the I-word at that point (well... two I-words...infertility and IVF), instead preferring me to wait until April to come and see her again. Of course, I made the appointment for April 1st. ;)

In that time, I'm sad to say that my husband and I haven't had success with conceiving naturally, but I'm proud of myself to being able to wait until my March cycle ended before contacting our FS (patience is not one of my finest points at times!). I'm more at ease with our situation now, and can talk about fertility-related things without cringing or tearing up. So I guess this makes me more ready to take that next step?

So in a few days I'll officially be making a call to the IVF clinic after getting my referral and getting on their books. And then the next chapter of this story will begin.

In the meantime, I'm occupying my time with some of these things:

Homemade chocolate sponge cake for celebrating birthdays

Exploring the city of Melbourne with good friends as part of a fundraising activity (that's me with the beaded necklace!)

Home organisation (I have my own Tupperware drawer)


Waking up to gorgeous sunrises!

My gorgeous Cockatiel who goes by the name of Jesse (he's molting here, so looking a little dishevelled)

A New Year

So here I am, into 2010 and still at the same point that I was at in January 2009... childless and trying to retain hope in a world that seems to be all about celebrating the joy of children (both born and yet-to-be). This year marked a myriad of cards from friends both within Australia and across oceans that celebrated new arrivals, and smiling happy pictures of families that called themselves 'complete'. So for the month of December my computer desk contained babies, children and more babies (and the occasional ultrasound picture with mistletoe attached), all in 2D form.

However, these were pushed towards the back (oh yes, it's true!) in favour of the cards written by the Kindergarten families that I worked with, whose heartfelt messages of love, support and admiration remind me of why I got into teaching in the first place. Only one family knew of my desire to fall pregnant and that it wasn't happening for us, and they kept my secret. As the years have passed, I've kept meaningful cards in a shoebox, and referred to them in times of frustration (or desperation when I have a particularly challenging class!) and knowledge that despite feeling out-of-my-depth at times I'm truly making a difference in the lives of others.

As for life in general, it's been a time of upheaval... here's a snippet:

* Hubby and I moved house (from a 2br unit to a 2br apartment - holy downsizing, Batman!)
* All of my friends who were trying for a baby in 2009 got their heart's desires
* I finally got some answers about why we haven't been able to fall pregnant

That's right... some answers!

In November, it was discovered that everything on my husband's side is perfect (after the blood/analysis tests showed 'donor quality' results). However, after my ultrasounds, blood tests and finally a Levovist (similar to a HSG) test done, I have blocked fallopian tubes. Total blockage on the right side, and a little of the dye solution was able to run out past my left ovary.

While it was very distressing at the time to hear that there was genuinely a reason for our infertility, it was also reassuring to know that it wasn't my husband and that something can be done. I'm not exploring more surgery at this point (not even for the suspected relapse of my endometriosis), but I'm taking buchu (a herb) in tincture form to assist the clearing of blockages. Our fertility specialist has recommended we wait until April before coming back to begin looking into treatments.

We'll probably be going straight to IVF *gulp* as with my blocked tubes we're not candidates for IUI. I'm a little scared as to all of the hormones/injections that this will involve, and more importantly how we'll afford this - IVF is expensive here in Australia (especially now that changes have been made to the Medicare rebate and cycles need to be paid for upfront). But if this process is what leads us to becoming parents, then I'm fully embracing it!

And in the meantime? I start back to a new Kindergarten year in ten days, and if anything will get my mind off the next three months of waiting, it'll be that!