5 Weeks Pregnant

After using the last of our four frozen embryos (from 2010), a very straightforward transfer followed and the wait to the pregnancy blood test begun. 

There were a few things we did differently this time which may or may not have contributed to finally getting that elusive implantation:

• Acupuncture (immediately before and following the embryo transfer)
• Progesterone support (400mg pessary, twice daily)
• Dilatation & curettage (D&C) in the month prior to our transfer cycle 
• Herbal support from my naturopath (I have a post-transfer mix that I take 3 times daily)
• Keeping a consistent body temperature (no super-hot showers or very cold foods/drinks for 5 days following the transfer; blastocysts are temperature-sensitive)
• Taking it easy (no heavy lifting)

I'd like to hope that one or several of these things tipped the scale in our favour (or simply, that what we thought was our least strong embryo - left until last - was the one that actually came through for us). 

I am on progesterone support for rest of the first trimester and while it's a bit yucky, if it means a healthy pregnancy for the next couple of months then I will gladly continue it.

I found out about this pregnancy at 6dp5dt, I had a temperature shift (37.3C from 36.8C) following a day of mild cramping (I put this down to implantation in hindsight) and woke up in the middle of the night with a rapidly beating heart and sense of something being 'different' in my body. This intuition was pretty much how I realised I was pregnant with our son (now aged 3) so immediately recognised it. I got up and took a test... and sure enough it was positive!

This wasn't the original in-the-middle-of-the-night test, but
instead one I took the next day to confirm BFP.

Normally I wouldn't test so early during a FET cycle but the signs were too strong for me to ignore. I am sensitive to HCG and have a strong sense of what's going on in my own body. In our other (unsuccessful) transfers, there haven't been any moments like this, just continued failed cycles after 5, 6 or 7 days post-transfer (another reason I pushed our IVF specialist for progesterone, following self-research). 

I have had two blood tests recently - one at 10dp5dt (15DPO) and another at 16dp5dt (21DPO). The first came back with HCG=198 / Progesterone=128. The second showed HCG=1600 / Progesterone=100. I have one more blood test in a week's time, and then our first ultrasound (!!) booked for 7w0d to confirm sac and heartbeat etc.

In the meantime I'm continuing to parent our three year-old son while starting to get hit with tiredness (hello Nana nap!), queasiness in the afternoon and growing breasts (I'm small up top to begin with so changes there are generally pretty obvious). I've taken a 'beginning' belly picture but won't post it just yet until I've got something to compare it to - last pregnancy I took pictures weekly but this time I think I'll do it every two weeks (or at least in the earlier stages).

My due date is March 5th, 2015 (two days shy of my 33rd birthday). :)

Scrapbooking Infertility and/or IVF Journeys

Here's the thing about scrapbooking... most of it is about showcasing happiness and contentment. I've fallen victim to this too in the past - it's easier to put on your rose-tinted glasses and write/create about what makes life great.

But what about the aspects of life that aren't so great? In my personal case, I'm talking about loss, infertility and IVF. Back when we were trying to conceive Rowan, I didn't include our infertility journey in any of my scrapbooking. I kept this blog (private at the time) as a place to get out all of my feelings about the process, and in my eventual pregnancy album made a single page where I chronicled the path we took to where we ended up:

(click image to see more detail)

In reality, the journey to conceive a child could have very much been a separate album. It might not have been the most positive album in parts, and over time I've learnt

FET #4 Preparation

Looks like we're about to start again! Saw the IVF specialist today and I'm booked for surgery in 4 days (a curette) to clear everything out and encourage positive immune response to embryos. It's all a bit over my head at the moment and very quick turnaround time, but at this point in time we'll give almost anything a try once to get my body in peak condition to welcome an embryo!

For more information about what we are trying and why it was suggested by our IVF specialist, see this article. Essentially, the point is to injure the endometrial lining so that the body rushes immune cells to the area, therefore giving the uterus a boost or so to speak. There have been some interesting studies about the positive effects these procedures have on women experiencing unsuccessful IVF attempts, I've discovered today. The effect of the immune cells lasts around three months too.

Interestingly, we got stats on the embryos transferred so far... 1 x B grade and 2 x C grade (transferred in that order). This last embryo? It's running a little late but got to being frozen in the end. Running late? Sound at all familiar? ;)

(for the record, Rowan's embryo was an overachieving early one... traits just like Matt!)

I also pushed for progesterone in the second half of my cycle (as recommended by our IVF nurse) and got a prescription for that too. So while I've prided myself on having 'natural' cycles so far, it's time to throw a little more at it and see what happens...

FET #3

We signed the paperwork to begin FET#3 yesterday, after a break since January, when we unsuccessfully had FET#2 (a break well needed due to emotional reasons). Two frozen embryos remaining, fingers crossed that one of these is the sticky one...

I saw my naturopath during the week, I always feel so empowered after seeing her because she is like a doctor, natural health practitioner and psychologist all rolled into one. She listens to what I've got to say, asks thought-provoking questions and is all-round a great person. In the time I've been seeing her (on and off since 2009, when I was seeking advice following my endometriosis diagnosis and related cycle problems), I've been pregnant once, she twice and between us we have three beautiful, healthy boys. I met her eight month old at my most recent appointment, he's such an engaging little creature (the 6-8 month stage is one of my favourite baby times, despite it being teething time; I love the developmental leaps that happen then).

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked (see, babies will do it to me every time!). I'm now on a course of herbs (slightly altered from the formulations preceding it) very similar to what I was taking when undertaking IVF first time around with Rowan but, rather than targeting egg quality this time around, it has to do with progesterone support (for implantation and healthy placenta formation). I'm getting some blood tests done over this weekend to see where my progesterone levels are at, as I've been having some funny-looking cycles this year - mostly very short ones, but with equal time between starting, ovulating and starting again. So rather than it being a short luteal phase potentially causing inadequate time for implantation (which was one of my initial fertility hurdles, it has naturally sorted itself out after my periods returned when Rowan was 7 months old), there might be something else going on.

To be honest, it frightens me a little that there could be something else lurking beneath the surface. Last time around, sure - we went through a lot before the initial IVF stuff - but we were successful pretty early on with that. This time? There's a 60% chance of success every time we go through a FET using our embryos, and so far we haven't been on that side of the figure yet. If this cycle doesn't result in a sticky embryo, I'm going back to our IVF specialist attached to the hospital in order to seek advice before we use our last remaining embryo. Personally, I'm hoping that there's a simple (ha!) explanation to not being able to fall pregnant this time (we haven't been preventing pregnancy since Rowan was 6 months old... and he is 3 now).

If I have to go through another full stim (IVF) cycle I think I'll cry, I really will. And yet, I'll push through... because I can't dwell on what isn't, simply what is. I haven't found peace with that yet, but perhaps in time I will. And hey, maybe a little more positive thinking on my part wouldn't go astray?

Let's do This!

Appointment with the IVF specialist who did the egg retrieval in the (stim) cycle that led to the conception and pregnancy of Rowan on November 1st.

Coincidentally also our 5th wedding anniversary... let's do this!

Menstrual Cycle Changes

So I find out later this week whether I'm losing my job or not. I'm not holding out a lot of hope on this one, the preschool that I teach at is going to be closing down (possibly at the end of the year) after a long community history. I've worked there for nine years, which is no small feat in itself.

It kind of throws a few things into disarray, namely our plans to move out of this apartment we've made home for the past four years, and future family plans. We're living as if this aforementioned news may not exist, and holding out hope that I can find another teaching position elsewhere if that is what happens. 

In other news, my body is taking a hormonal beating over the last few months, most likely being triggered by a reduction in breastfeeding. Rowan (27 months old) was previously feeding three times per day and he's tapered off to once a day now. This is mainly my doing - to be honest - and it's something that's surprised me as I consider myself an advocate for full-term (ie, self-weaning) breastfeeding. Why have my views changed? I don't know. The interesting part is that dropping Rowan's feeds weren't a struggle on his side, he has breakfast instead of a milk feed, and a cup of milk before his nap. Easy peasy, I thought the pre-nap feed would be the most difficult for him to give up, but it was the easiest one. The feed before bed at night? I'm not quite sure how we'll change that nighttime routine when the time comes (not any time soon, unless Rowan shows signs of being disinterested).

My body has been doing strange things as a result, with longer menstrual bleeding (ie, 7-10 days), more cramping and three weeks between cycles. Hardly promising on the fertility front (although perhaps I'm producing more lining now?), but hopefully it all settles itself again soon as my body gets used to its 'new normal' once more. 

Psst...

It may be a long road to pregnancy like the first time, but I'm confident that we'll get there in the end. Exciting (and nerve-wracking!) times to follow. ;)

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day here in Australia today, my third with a child on the outside (Rowan was 5 weeks old on my first one). As he lay in my arms feeding to sleep during naptime this afternoon, I realised how lucky I am, and the journey that it took to conceive him.

It’s beginning to hit me again that even though we have a terrific toddler and my body carried him well as a foetus, deep down I doubt that my infertility is something that has gone away. Hearing lots of baby news from other people I know personally lately (not online) has left me feeling jaded and envious, rather than genuinely happy for my friends. And this is something venomous that I want to stop the spread of, before it overwhelms me and my way of thinking. The interesting part is that I can understand how some people are happy with one child, their one and only. I completely get it, Rowan is the centre of my world and part of me is reluctant to change that. To go through everything again and perhaps not be so lucky (in conception, pregnancy or a child’s development). But I know that we won’t know until it happens, that so many other people (myself included) falter on the precipice of change.

Reading this back in a year’s time, will I nod and stand by my thoughts? 

Will I smile and remember how it felt to be trying to balance my mind?

Or will I laugh and simply consider myself silly for being afraid to take the plunge?

The Wiggly Woo + Drug Cocktails

It was while dancing the Wiggly Woo with my Kindergarten group in a circle today that it happened. My eyes welled up with tears and I cuddled my chest. No, not in sadness or due to the already long day I’d had, but my breasts. In particular, they were here and announcing to the world their extreme tenderness. Ouch ouch ouch... I’d forgotten about that part of the Pill! (though the hubby's not complaining, he’s a fan of the bloat)

Too much information? Well, get used to it... you’re going to hear a lot more about body parts and squeamish events in the coming months.

Today marked an exciting day – meeting our IVF nurse for the first time and picking up all of the medications I’ll be taking for the cycle. Apparently 8.30am is peak time up at the clinic, they were packed with couples of all ages and stages. I was actually a little in awe – some people were older (some younger!) and others who looked just like us. However, no one gave each other any eye-contact... understandably people were looking to get in and out as quick as possible, yet we were all united by our infertility.

The nurse was nice (I found myself staring at her necklace during our appointment), she explained how to use the nasal spray, the pessaries, the injections – I got to practice giving myself one which was an interesting experience and a sign of what’s to come. Because I like being in control, it was reassuring to see some timeframes and that I start on the nasal spray (Synarel) on Monday (injections starting from July 8th if my blood test and ultrasound show the right [lowered] oestrogen levels on the 7th).

I’ll admit it was a little overwhelming taking home a big paper bag of medications, especially when I had to put my game face on and go straight to work afterward. However, it was probably for the best because I didn’t get the opportunity to wallow or go over it all in my head. After all, I wouldn’t miss out on Wiggly Woo-induced boob bounce for the world.

This is the complete kit for my IVF cycle. To the left is my Puregon pen, which will deliver FSH (follicle stimulating hormone; hopefully leads to a good egg collection) via injection (the little vials), which I can dial up. Very user-frendly. To the right is Synarel, the nasal spray which will switch off my oestrogen production starting on Monday (I'll be taking that every 12 hours for the next month). The injection to the lower right is Ovidrel, which is a shot of HCG, the pregnancy hormone which will tell my ovaries to release the follicles it's growing. Apparently egg collection will occur 38hrs after taking the injection. The white/purple box in the middle is Crinone, which is a synthetic progesterone in the form of pessary (vaginal) gel. After the embryo transfer up until the end of the cycle (16 days-ish) I'll be inserting one of those in the morning and at night... not too keen on that one!

In comparision, this is my husband's contribution to the process:

Countdown to Wednesday

I'm feeling a lot better now, the nausea passed within a week of starting the birth control pill and, come to think of it, I haven't had a headache today (double score!).

Big appointment on Wednesday morning coming up - hubby and I pay for our first IVF cycle upfront (no-frills; we get the starter form of it which is a good thing!) and get to pick up all the medications from our nurse. I'm not sure what to expect, I've heard horror stories about huge boxes... which wouldn't be all that fun considering we've got a decent walk to and from the train station to the clinic. Maybe it'll be less, I don't know?

All I know is that my account is going to be significantly lighter come Wednesday (bye bye Nikon D700 for now!), and I'll be a heck of a lot more informed. No backing down now, it's game time -- and in five weeks time I'll be either celebrating a positive result or getting ready to start again. Cautious optimism is the key here.

Nausea

Ugh, I'm not feeling so good this morning.
(It's a long weekend here in Australia and the day's half gone already; normally I'm out of the house by 7.45am for work on a Monday)

Nausea's hit me and it could be anything - the muffin/hot chocolate I ate while out yesterday, eating cheese and biscuits before bed last night with the hubby, or the BCP (Microgynon 30) I've been taking for the past two days.

If it's the last one, I'm disappointed that I'm having symptoms already (me and the BCP have never gotten along well in the past) and there's still three weeks to go of this stage. If it's any other reason, well I'll certainly find out in the next day or two.

Hubby joked that I'm pregnant already, that resulted in daggers cast in his general direction (trust me, my love, my body tells me otherwise!)

This may be a long eight weeks!

Resisting the Urge

I'm proud of myself for resisting the urge and not call Monash IVF to check they received our registration on Friday - instead I'm waiting until Monday afternoon because it's entirely more realistic that they will have received and processed our forms.

I started a new cycle yesterday and cramps have been kicking my arse both days. So much so that I'm sitting in bed with my laptop and it's already 12.35pm (ho hum!). Sure, it's Sunday and a designated 'lazy day' but old habits die hard and I want to be productive too. Perhaps I'll do a little work for the week ahead later in the afternoon. Or find an excuse to take photos somewhere -- I've been in a picture-rut since December, I realise.

Speaking of cycles, I'm guessing that this one will be the last 'natural' one for a couple of months (before down regulating and stimming), both a little poignant and frightening. My poor bank account's going to take a battering this year...!

In the Mail

*thumbs up*

Hubby's police check arrived in the mail after...what, four or five weeks? Sure, he's got a more common name than me (first name/surname combination) but it was getting a little ridiculous.

The paperwork is now in the mail to Monash IVF, so here's hoping that they receive it tomorrow and I can make the counselling and pathology appointments.

I haven't quite made it in to start on the down-regulating for next month, as I have a period due some time in the next week. But assuming that the blood test results come back normal, I'm crossing my fingers that this time in a month we'll be starting the process. :)

Happy Sunday

Good morning!

Today is Mother's Day here in Australia (and in a few other countries I'm told; it's easier to live in a bubble sometimes) and, while I thought it'd be a grand plan to avoid blogs and Facebook today, I'm in a good place.

Maybe it's because of the afternoon tea I'm throwing to honour my own mother today, or the fact that the police check for my hubby is on the way (as of Frikday; Public Enquiry Service told me so!), or that I'm finally letting go of the stress/anxiety related to trying to conceive.

Several friends and family have told me in the last fortnight that I seem 'full of energy' or 'positive', when they don't really know the whole story. Am I radiating positive thinking again? Maybe so, this is a big step if it's the case.

Happy Sunday to you, my fellow infertile friends. May this week continue to be a good one.

Saccharine

When I saw the title of a friend's blog post this morning, my heart leapt while at the same time sinking. She'd birthed her very-much-wanted baby girl - which now brings the pregnancies of four friends all due within the past month to an end.

In a way, it's easier to cope with the newborn pictures at times than it is to cope with the tummy pictures and saccharine musings. Those I can gloss over, or choose not to read at all - I can hide away and pretend that I'm taking some time out from being online.

I started reading a book today that my naturopath let me borrow called Inconceivable, by Ben Elton. It's a romantic-comedy about a couple struggling with infertility. Used to the complex worlds of sicence-fiction (particularly space opera) I've flown through it and in the first 60 pages I've both laughed and cried. I realise how much of a broken record I am, and how I'm selfishly dwelling on what I don't have instead of what I do have (stable marriage, job, finances etc).

But I suppose at the same time the stability induces guilt, there's nothing really to validate my thoughts, nothing concrete except a piece of paper and receipts for medical services proving that I really ferociously infertile at present. Damn you fallopian tubes!

Three Cheers for my Naturopath!

I went and saw my naturopath today, I was excited since I hadn't seen her since November and I especially wanted to talk to her about the implications of artificial hormones and drugs coursing though my system come IVF cycle time.

She was fantastic and answered so many of my (new) questions, and lent me a book to read. I feel so blessed to have found her last June, and don't think my path would have been the same had I not decided to visit a holistic practicioner.

Now loaded with herbs and other such things which should last me for the next four weeks or so. ;)

Still waiting on police checks to come back.

Police Checks

Hubby and I got our police check forms ready over the weekend, and they were sent off with a cheque yesterday. They should take 10-14 days to come back to us, and then we can book the counselling appointment and get bloods taken (it's compulsary to submit a national police check before starting IVF treatment under the ART Bill here in my state. No, it's not something I necessarily believe in, but at the moment I'd probably jump through a hoop backwards if someone would say it'd help me get pregnant faster).

Eager to get this whole process started, I feel a bubble of excitement instead of a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

I'm shooting a wedding in October (for a friend of the family) in central Victoria, part of me wonders if treatment will have worked by then and I'll be in the midst of my first or second trimester by then? But then again, I see parallels to the entries I wrote in my other blog (this one's a secret from family/friends at this point) in the early stages of TTC where I presumed I'd be pregnant within six months. We all know that life doesn't always work that way now. ;)

Let's just say I'm progressing with cautious optimism.

First IVF Appointment

I had my referral appointment with the fertility specialist for Monash IVF today... or as it turned out, my first IVF appointment!

Little did I know that the specialist I’m seeing is actually one of the doctors there, so I won’t need to change specialists at all or go through additional blood work/ultrasounds (with the exception of the HIV/HepB/HepC; it’s law in our state prior to starting treatment). The good news is that as soon as both of our police checks are clear (if I order them after the Easter weekend, they might come back to us in 10-14 days), the blood work gets done and Matt and I see the counsellor – another compulsory part of the treatment progress.\

And from there, it should start fairly quickly... depending where I am in my cycle, of course.

Early treatment (ie, the cycle before the ‘stim’ cycle, where my eggs are collected) involves a nasal spray that works to suppress my hormones – similar to the Zoladex I was on in 2008 – and birth control pills, ironic seeing as though the point of this is to get pregnant. ;)

Once I get my period at the end of the artificial cycle, then the IVF cycle begins – the daily needles, sprays and monitoring of my follicles (where the eggs are growing in). Sure, there’s a substantial cost due at the time I get the medication, but we will get some back in Medicare rebates (as well as private health insurance covering most of the costs of day-surgery procedures and anaesthesiologist/pathology). We probably couldn’t shoulder more than two ‘stim’ cycles this year without some form of assistance, but let’s hope that it won’t come to that – I’ll just have to pick up some extra work this Term and put my camera musings on hold for a while.

It’s all so exciting, and potentially may be happening in as little as eight weeks! Seriously... two months!

The Next Step

In three sleeps (can you tell I'm a teacher of young children?) I'll be seeing my fertility specialist to seek referral to one of the IVF clinics in my city. When I last saw her in October last year, she wasn't keen to refer me on straight away (I was also having difficulty coming to terms with the I-word at that point (well... two I-words...infertility and IVF), instead preferring me to wait until April to come and see her again. Of course, I made the appointment for April 1st. ;)

In that time, I'm sad to say that my husband and I haven't had success with conceiving naturally, but I'm proud of myself to being able to wait until my March cycle ended before contacting our FS (patience is not one of my finest points at times!). I'm more at ease with our situation now, and can talk about fertility-related things without cringing or tearing up. So I guess this makes me more ready to take that next step?

So in a few days I'll officially be making a call to the IVF clinic after getting my referral and getting on their books. And then the next chapter of this story will begin.

In the meantime, I'm occupying my time with some of these things:

Homemade chocolate sponge cake for celebrating birthdays

Exploring the city of Melbourne with good friends as part of a fundraising activity (that's me with the beaded necklace!)

Home organisation (I have my own Tupperware drawer)


Waking up to gorgeous sunrises!

My gorgeous Cockatiel who goes by the name of Jesse (he's molting here, so looking a little dishevelled)

A New Year

So here I am, into 2010 and still at the same point that I was at in January 2009... childless and trying to retain hope in a world that seems to be all about celebrating the joy of children (both born and yet-to-be). This year marked a myriad of cards from friends both within Australia and across oceans that celebrated new arrivals, and smiling happy pictures of families that called themselves 'complete'. So for the month of December my computer desk contained babies, children and more babies (and the occasional ultrasound picture with mistletoe attached), all in 2D form.

However, these were pushed towards the back (oh yes, it's true!) in favour of the cards written by the Kindergarten families that I worked with, whose heartfelt messages of love, support and admiration remind me of why I got into teaching in the first place. Only one family knew of my desire to fall pregnant and that it wasn't happening for us, and they kept my secret. As the years have passed, I've kept meaningful cards in a shoebox, and referred to them in times of frustration (or desperation when I have a particularly challenging class!) and knowledge that despite feeling out-of-my-depth at times I'm truly making a difference in the lives of others.

As for life in general, it's been a time of upheaval... here's a snippet:

* Hubby and I moved house (from a 2br unit to a 2br apartment - holy downsizing, Batman!)
* All of my friends who were trying for a baby in 2009 got their heart's desires
* I finally got some answers about why we haven't been able to fall pregnant

That's right... some answers!

In November, it was discovered that everything on my husband's side is perfect (after the blood/analysis tests showed 'donor quality' results). However, after my ultrasounds, blood tests and finally a Levovist (similar to a HSG) test done, I have blocked fallopian tubes. Total blockage on the right side, and a little of the dye solution was able to run out past my left ovary.

While it was very distressing at the time to hear that there was genuinely a reason for our infertility, it was also reassuring to know that it wasn't my husband and that something can be done. I'm not exploring more surgery at this point (not even for the suspected relapse of my endometriosis), but I'm taking buchu (a herb) in tincture form to assist the clearing of blockages. Our fertility specialist has recommended we wait until April before coming back to begin looking into treatments.

We'll probably be going straight to IVF *gulp* as with my blocked tubes we're not candidates for IUI. I'm a little scared as to all of the hormones/injections that this will involve, and more importantly how we'll afford this - IVF is expensive here in Australia (especially now that changes have been made to the Medicare rebate and cycles need to be paid for upfront). But if this process is what leads us to becoming parents, then I'm fully embracing it!

And in the meantime? I start back to a new Kindergarten year in ten days, and if anything will get my mind off the next three months of waiting, it'll be that!