Life with Twins + 1: Long Overdue Update

So I don't know whether this blog continues to get any traffic, but it suddenly occurred to me that there should be an update of sorts.

Our twin boys Quinn and Liam were born at 30 weeks and 4 days (10 weeks early) on December 29th, 2014 after a very complicated pregnancy. I had TAPS (Twin Anemia-Polycythemia Sequence), which is a rare subset of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. This started developing at the 16 week mark of my twin pregnancy, and I was monitored fortnightly with ultrasounds until 24 weeks, then it was weekly, several times a week and DAILY by the end. I wasn't admitted early to hospital on bedrest purely because of 3 year-old Rowan at home. But I did spend half of my day at the hospital by the end of it.

Being a mother to premature twins was confronting and our boys spent 6 weeks (Quinn) and 10 weeks (Liam) in the NICU, followed by Special Care Nursery. Liam was diagnosed with Neonatal Chronic Lung Disease and spent eight months on home oxygen before being weaned from it in August 2015. Quinn suffered a minor brain bleed (IVH)  in the early days after birth but scans have showed that there is no longer any evidence of a bleed... phew!

Both boys are now 15 months old (12.5 months adjusted age) and are currently walking, learning to talk and being extremely cheeky to 5 year-old brother Rowan, who continues to adjust to his life being turned upside down by twin toddlers on a daily basis.

4 days before I delivered our twins (30 weeks exactly here)

Liam and Quinn shortly after birth, TAPS confirmed upon delivery via emergency c-section.

Leaving hospital for the last time, 10 weeks later!

3 months old (Liam is on the left in all pictures from here down)

6 months old

8 months old

10 months old

Happy 1st Birthday!

14 months old with big brother Rowan at Easter 2016

While I don't really update this blog regularly anymore (it was there for me back when I needed the outlet), I post regularly on Instagram as Aurian82. If by some chance you're reading this and want to connect, you can find me there. xx

My Brain Has Turned into a Mush of Peppa Pig

I’ve been in Hobart, Tasmania for the past few days (and got home on Saturday) and though it was fun and

had moments of relaxation, it was hard work too. Travelling with a toddler isn’t relaxing in the slightest and while we’ve persevered twice this year (Sydney in March and then Hobart), it isn’t something I’m keen to do again in a hurry.

I’ve also looked back at my patterns of my blogging/writing this year and realise that as my down-time (as a parent) has diminished, so has my writing. Completely understandable – I get it now – being so exhausted by the end of the day can make the outpouring of words seem like a chore. During the moments of calm and relaxation, I find that my words all seem to go ioedbnoeboetisnmorkaesmontlwhmoup56m together (not a slight exaggeration) and any eloquence I once possessed has vanished, to be replaced by the rhetoric of entire episodes of Peppa Pig. For my own mental health I need to get back into this.

And when it does come time to write... what do I say? When I feel a little unsure about things, I prefer to keep it trapped in my mind rather than blurting it out to an audience (even myself), because that makes it just seem more real. As for now? A lot of negativity in my mind, mainly linked to insecurities about parenting and control issues/power struggles. Rowan dropped his day sleep around the same time that he weaned from breastfeeding, then has been ill for the past two weeks (finally coming good at the moment). I’ve felt him easing back in his affection towards me at times (or at least that’s how I feel) and it’s all about Daddy of late. There are continual tantrums, many of which are linked to overtiredness and the refusal of a nap, and then I feel myself losing control of my level-headedness and just want a few minutes to myself without the tears, screams, pushes or the dreaded ‘limp noodle’ position. So I feel a bit inferior as a parent at the moment, which has spilt over into my teaching days and I find myself second-guessing what I do both at work and home, losing confidence in both areas. As a professional I feel underappreciated (and have for most of this year, but have already written about this before), and yearn for a sea change, but know that it isn’t to happen until the end of next year (I want the redundancy and parental leave payments, both highly lucrative and enough to encourage me to keep going). Part of me wants to be pregnant as soon as possible to have an easier pathway out of teaching, the other part of me knows how much I’m struggling to be the parent I want to be right now and that pregnancy might compound things. And then there’s infertility, IVF and that opens another can of worms completely.... ugh! When did life as an adult become so complicated?

But that’s not to say that life doesn’t have its moments of joy. Laughter, cuddles, food, sunshine, photography... all good things (but overshadowed by the trappings of my mind at times). I want to share some photos about the positive things, as I don’t want to forget them...

This is me... a hair update (I'm in a red phase at the moment)

Trucks and sand on our balcony.

Playing with my dragon hat before a work dress-up day (and Rowan's artwork on the fridge)

Scenes from my hubby's parents' house in Hobart, Tasmania.

My attempt at a strawberry cream sponge. Tasted brilliant if I say so myself. ;)

Matt and I (before the hair transformation)

Rowan and Matt at The Aproneers, a great organic and sustainably-focused store and cafe in Hobart.

Jumpers that are way too big are fun. ;)

And crazy bed hair is pretty fun too!

On Weaning

Breastfeeding didn’t initially come easy to Rowan and I. There were early latch issues (lasting three months), open wounds, engorgement... all of that lovely stuff. But it did get easier, and I surprised myself for getting to three months... then six... then twelve months and beyond. I then hoped to get to two years of breastfeeding but didn’t want to stress myself out in case it didn’t happen. Breastfeeding in the second and third year turned out to be easier than the first, if you don’t mind a bit of gymNURSEtics! As Rowan got older, we were able to better establish rules with him about when and how he breastfed, and that certain behaviours (such as rolling around whilst feeding... ouch) weren’t on. It also lent itself to wonderful moments of cuddles, contented sighs, before-bed conversations about our day and hearing what Rowan had to say about it all.

He would tell me about how my milk tasted (“warm and sweet” was his favourite, “delicious” was another common phrase used), and displeasure if I’d eaten something that affected the taste – asparagus, without fail! And the numerous occasions where I’d stroke Rowan’s forehead and brush his hair from his face while singing our “Close Your Eyes” lullaby, one I made up when he was a very small baby to the tune of a musical mobile he has. Rowan would inevitably succumb to the lure of the head rub, especially if he’d been too busy to nap that day.

Breastfeeding at 10 months old.

20 months old.

Our breastfeeding days have now come to an end, which is a bittersweet feeling. A week ago (on the day Rowan turned 2 years and 5 months) had his last feed, after weeks of discussion about the milk “going on holiday” when I went away for a weekend trip. In the days that followed the trip, I had to work hard to stay strong at times, and to not offer Rowan a feed before bedtime or when he snuggled me on the couch. It had become such an ingrained part of our lives together that changing the routine had been tough (and I suspect, tougher on me). Hormones crashed and I had a headache which lasted several days. Engorgement left me a little sore and I felt genuinely miserable about my decision to wean Rowan – even though I knew that it was time, given the behaviours he had been developing and his lackadaisical approach to breastfeeding. Perhaps towards the end I was prolonging the breastfeeding relationship as much for me as I was for him?

But five days into weaning, everything changed. The headache disappeared, breast tenderness subsided and I woke up in the morning feeling much less ‘full’ than before. As someone who had to work hard initially to build up a good milk supply, the swiftness of it depleting was a little frightening, to be honest. There was no going back now, just spending a lot of time with Rowan and assuring him that cuddles are still okay and that despite being a “big boy” now, he’ll still always be my baby.

We talk about the milk going away until there is another baby growing in my tummy, and Rowan talks about “a little girl baby” (always a girl, never a boy). Though yet unspoken, there is the promise of reliving this all over again after my body gets a bit of a break to re-energize, to recharge and renew. I’m ready, just not quite yet... ready to savour time with my rapidly growing toddler who talks a mile a minute, reasons and negotiates, and shows empathy towards others. This (the weaning journey) is another step forward together in our journey as mother and son.

The last picture I have of Rowan feeding (to sleep in this case).
He is 2 years and 4.5 months here.

Rowan at 2.25 Years Old

Rowan, our little Pickle - today you are two-and-a-quarter years old. You are so cheeky, vivacious and energetic, and love to dance, sing and you are learning to jump at the moment.

Car trips have become big adventures in recent months as you give us a running commentary of everything that you see: "Look Mummy, a digger!" "I see two tractor!" "Wow... a big bus. And look, a tram too!" "It nighttime, the cars have lights on" "The car have a 'P' on it. Where the 'B' for bunny??"

Are you sensing a theme here? You absolutely adore vehicles at the moment and are happiest when playing "car parks", or with "Hannah, Dan and the caravan" (a game you made up with toys from the toy library). You will line up your cars, send them down ramps, take them on trips around the house (mainly to Coles, shopping centres, Aldi or the petrol station at the moment; all places that you have been to close to home).

It was as if the moment you turned two, you figured out that you could sing. You have a remarkable memory for songs, and sing loudly an confidently! Some of your favourites are The Wheels on the Bus, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (and the Daddy Drives a Motor Car version), Three Cheeky Monkeys Jumping on the Bed and Bananas in Pyjamas. 

You go to childcare on Mondays and Tuesdays, and these are very big days for you. I drop you off at 7.45am and pick you up at 5pm. I would much rather we spend our days home together but you really love childcare and talk about your teachers often (mainly Kacey and Jackie). I ask you about the things you do at childcare, and I hear all about the sandpit, playdough, nap time, food times and your Bunny. You also spend Fridays with Nana (my Mum) and one of your routines is to go out for coffee (babycino) and a muffin together for morning tea.

Speaking of Bunny, you are still lovingly attached to your bunnies (you have 4 now!) and they must ALL come to bed with you at night. You make loud 'cuddle' sounds (which sound a bit like "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh cuddlecuddle") and occasionally share them with us too. You are starting to learn about possession and if someone picks up one of the bunnies to put them away you say "that's MY Bunny!". In fact, we all hear a lot about "that's my...." at the moment.

Your two year-old molars are just starting to come through, and besides lots of saliva, chewing objects and a red cheek you're coping well with them so far. We play a game together where we look at each other's "new teeth" and you enjoy looking in our mouths (and we get to see inside yours too).

You are 93cm tall (36.5") and weigh 13.6kg (30lb).

You were quite sick in June, which started with a cold that didn't get better. You ended up with bronchitis, a chest infection and ear infection, which resulted in your first course of antibiotics ever (I'm proud that you didn't need any until you were two year old).

Getting an x-ray to rule out pneumonia (you were very brave!)

Your favourite foods at the moment are dried cranberries, "warm milk" (cow's milk), bread, honey, macaroni-shaped pasta, apple and country cheese biscuits. You have a big appetite and often surprise us with how much you eat (especially when you go through a growth spurt, as you are at the moment). 

You currently have two breastfeeds per day - one first thing in the morning before breakfast, and one before bed at night. You cut out the feed before nap in the last month (Mummy helped with this one), as you were getting distracted from growing sleepy. It has surprised us with how quickly you got used to your new routine of watching an episode of Peppa Pig on the tablet, having a cup of warm milk and going into your cot. I could see you learning to give up your other feeds too, but there isn't really any need to right now so I think they'll remain for the time being while you're still interested in them.

You are very interested in asking questions, and you constantly ask "what's that noise" or "where Daddy/Mummy going?". You are highly inquisitive and notice minute details of things that as adults we tend to miss. You also like to exert your independence and tell us you'd like to walk instead of being carried, what books you'd like read to you, foods you do or don't want to eat, or what you want to do at any given moment!

You have grown up so much in the past three months and it will be amazing to see what you're interested in in another three months time.

Love Mummy and Daddy.

When Toddlers Lash Out

I don't know how much longer we'll have before Rowan's cot needs to be turned into a toddler bed:

Yesterday was SUCH a tiring day. Seriously, I feel more exhausted than if I'd worked a full day with a preschool group. Rowan was absolutely on fire today with tantrums over nothing, his getting upset about not wanting to breastfeed (but being conflicted and having a meltdown because he said no and then couldn't make his mind up), and refusing a nap. He did perk up when going to a 2 hour staff meeting at my work tonight though (5pm-7pm... not an ideal time for a 2 year-old at the best of times, but he handled it like a champ).

The silly, 'naughty' behaviours (as in when he deliberately does the wrong thing) are extremely frustrating and I know it's all part of this age and stage but.... phew. I know we have it lucky and Rowan is usually pretty easy to reason with, and he does listen. But at the moment I feel as though I'm not doing a very good job of parenting him, when he's kicking and hitting at me I'm still trying to figure out whether to offer comfort or to move away and make sure there's a safe space around him to let him thrash it out.

Toddlers, huh? And to think that people often choose to have more than one child! ;P

Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, right??

Rowan Turns 2!

Happy 2nd birthday to our big TWO year-old boy. He was so excited for his party and said "After sleep it Rowie birthday. Eat a cake at party! . Sure enough, there was cake and plenty of festivities. :)

Here are some pictures of the birthday boy:

Rowan playing with his birthday present from us, a wooden stove/food set.

Singing Happy Birthday and getting excited about "Hip hip hooray!"

My first attempt ever at making a shaped cake (I was really pleased with it too!).

Receiving a present from one of his friends (my Mum is the blonde-haired woman in the background, Dad to the right of her)

Being doted on by my parents.

It was a great day (lots of organisation required, but a successful one)

Pretty much the only picture of Rowan playing all day, he was so fast!

Rowan at 23 Months Old

Just a quick few notes about Rowan at 23 months, next month will most likely be the last of the monthly developmental posts (as I originally started noting things down here for his baby book... which turned into the second year album also).

Rowan started rote-counting 1-10 this month, which surprised us as it happened out of nowhere (childcare, maybe?).

He is starting to incorporate more verbs and is getting more consistent with sentence syntax, eg:

"Mummy come go see Daddy"

"Rowie look at digger"

"Mummy stay home"

"Lay down milk on the bed" (a breastfeed)

Rowan likes to point out happy and sad faces on pictures in books, and is beginning to recognise these on people too.

The discovery of emotions is upon us, and not just happy and sad, but scared too. If something happens in a book or on TV, Rowan can often be heard saying "oh dear, oh dear!", "uh oh!" or having a cry (which was the case while reading the book Belinda, by Pamela Allen, recently).

There are more angry tantrums too, and more excitement. Emotions are up and down, with big extremes. He will get really excited when anticipating an event (sometimes meaning no nap!), and will tell you first thing in the morning about what is happening that day.

Current favourite foods: Rice Bubbles, sour cream, chocolate, hardboiled eggs (whites only), watermelon.

Rowan likes to have a say on the clothing and shoes he is wearing, and quite often packs a bag (without prompting) to take out and about. It usually contains a drink, a toy or two, and something random like a piece of paper from the floor). He'll put it around his neck or over one shoulder, very cute!

Water play is still a favourite pasttime.

I am so glad that most nap times since Rowan's birth have been taken
with him having a breastfeed to sleep. 23 months strong!

Pretend play and serving food with a toy library party set.

Feeding Daddy while out at lunch.

Kisses for Mummy on her birthday. :)

Next stop.... TWO!

Rowan at 19 Months Old

Our little man is now 19 months old, and getting cheekier, more inquisitive and surprising us more every day with what he is discovering about the world. Rowan is talking up a storm lately, and is stringing together two-word sentences regularly (such as "weetbix bowl" or "Ro-Ro nigh-nigh).

Speaking of nigh-nigh, pretending to put himself to bed is Rowan's most favourite game at the moment. Now that he has the height and body strength to get up onto our big bed, he moves the pillows and squirrels down under the blanket and sheet before declaring "nigh-nigh!" and asking for a kiss. And then it repeats itself... over and over again. And the tantrums that are had about our bedroom door being closed and the bed off-limits, yikes! Needless to say, the evening routine that involves getting to read together under the blankets is one of Rowan's favourite parts of the day.

Rowan has figured out the concept of yes and no during the past month, and responds appropriately to things he likes/dislikes. "Yah!" is a common word we hear enthusiastically said, and "noooooo" ranks a close second. Similarly, he also says "ta" response to giving you something, or wanting something you have. All of these new concepts make him seem so much of a mini-adult at the moment.

His fascination with number and colour continues, and most mornings are spent with at least some time looking over the balcony in the search for blue cars (Rowan's favourite). Trucks, taxis and buses also make for much excitement too.

Toys and other items are beginning to get lined up haphazardly, and Rowan will pretend to count (usually "tooo.... toooo.... toooo" to indicate that he wants to count; really cute!).

After a spate of colds, Rowan's sleep is pretty good at the moment - he's regularly sleeping from 8.30pm-7am (even though he likes to play in his cot at night before falling asleep; you can hear him chattering and/or kicking the wall). He is seeking out more water and less breastmilk at the moment, swapping sides regularly when feeding and I have to convince him to continue on the first side before taking the second.

He surprised us recently by asking for milk and when I lifted up my top in preparation for feeding him, he said "noooo" and ran to the fridge and said "milk... cold". As it turns out, he wanted cow's milk in a sippy cup, which astounded me as I didn't know he liked the taste of it by itself (my guess is that he'd had it at childcare at some point? Rowan has cow's milk on his cereal most mornings but never sought it out by itself before). Since that day a couple of weeks ago, he asks for "cold milk" almost daily, usually during morning or afternoon tea time.

A family picture on our 4th wedding anniversary (Rowan pressed the remote shutter!)

Applauding himself after patting a baby goat at the farm.

Contemplative face.

One of my current favourite pictures of Rowan, playing with my handbag.