On Weaning

Breastfeeding didn’t initially come easy to Rowan and I. There were early latch issues (lasting three months), open wounds, engorgement... all of that lovely stuff. But it did get easier, and I surprised myself for getting to three months... then six... then twelve months and beyond. I then hoped to get to two years of breastfeeding but didn’t want to stress myself out in case it didn’t happen. Breastfeeding in the second and third year turned out to be easier than the first, if you don’t mind a bit of gymNURSEtics! As Rowan got older, we were able to better establish rules with him about when and how he breastfed, and that certain behaviours (such as rolling around whilst feeding... ouch) weren’t on. It also lent itself to wonderful moments of cuddles, contented sighs, before-bed conversations about our day and hearing what Rowan had to say about it all.

He would tell me about how my milk tasted (“warm and sweet” was his favourite, “delicious” was another common phrase used), and displeasure if I’d eaten something that affected the taste – asparagus, without fail! And the numerous occasions where I’d stroke Rowan’s forehead and brush his hair from his face while singing our “Close Your Eyes” lullaby, one I made up when he was a very small baby to the tune of a musical mobile he has. Rowan would inevitably succumb to the lure of the head rub, especially if he’d been too busy to nap that day.

Breastfeeding at 10 months old.

20 months old.

Our breastfeeding days have now come to an end, which is a bittersweet feeling. A week ago (on the day Rowan turned 2 years and 5 months) had his last feed, after weeks of discussion about the milk “going on holiday” when I went away for a weekend trip. In the days that followed the trip, I had to work hard to stay strong at times, and to not offer Rowan a feed before bedtime or when he snuggled me on the couch. It had become such an ingrained part of our lives together that changing the routine had been tough (and I suspect, tougher on me). Hormones crashed and I had a headache which lasted several days. Engorgement left me a little sore and I felt genuinely miserable about my decision to wean Rowan – even though I knew that it was time, given the behaviours he had been developing and his lackadaisical approach to breastfeeding. Perhaps towards the end I was prolonging the breastfeeding relationship as much for me as I was for him?

But five days into weaning, everything changed. The headache disappeared, breast tenderness subsided and I woke up in the morning feeling much less ‘full’ than before. As someone who had to work hard initially to build up a good milk supply, the swiftness of it depleting was a little frightening, to be honest. There was no going back now, just spending a lot of time with Rowan and assuring him that cuddles are still okay and that despite being a “big boy” now, he’ll still always be my baby.

We talk about the milk going away until there is another baby growing in my tummy, and Rowan talks about “a little girl baby” (always a girl, never a boy). Though yet unspoken, there is the promise of reliving this all over again after my body gets a bit of a break to re-energize, to recharge and renew. I’m ready, just not quite yet... ready to savour time with my rapidly growing toddler who talks a mile a minute, reasons and negotiates, and shows empathy towards others. This (the weaning journey) is another step forward together in our journey as mother and son.

The last picture I have of Rowan feeding (to sleep in this case).
He is 2 years and 4.5 months here.

Menstrual Cycle Changes

So I find out later this week whether I'm losing my job or not. I'm not holding out a lot of hope on this one, the preschool that I teach at is going to be closing down (possibly at the end of the year) after a long community history. I've worked there for nine years, which is no small feat in itself.

It kind of throws a few things into disarray, namely our plans to move out of this apartment we've made home for the past four years, and future family plans. We're living as if this aforementioned news may not exist, and holding out hope that I can find another teaching position elsewhere if that is what happens. 

In other news, my body is taking a hormonal beating over the last few months, most likely being triggered by a reduction in breastfeeding. Rowan (27 months old) was previously feeding three times per day and he's tapered off to once a day now. This is mainly my doing - to be honest - and it's something that's surprised me as I consider myself an advocate for full-term (ie, self-weaning) breastfeeding. Why have my views changed? I don't know. The interesting part is that dropping Rowan's feeds weren't a struggle on his side, he has breakfast instead of a milk feed, and a cup of milk before his nap. Easy peasy, I thought the pre-nap feed would be the most difficult for him to give up, but it was the easiest one. The feed before bed at night? I'm not quite sure how we'll change that nighttime routine when the time comes (not any time soon, unless Rowan shows signs of being disinterested).

My body has been doing strange things as a result, with longer menstrual bleeding (ie, 7-10 days), more cramping and three weeks between cycles. Hardly promising on the fertility front (although perhaps I'm producing more lining now?), but hopefully it all settles itself again soon as my body gets used to its 'new normal' once more. 

Mastitis

So after feeling yucky and terrible for over 24 hours, I started expressing yellow-green pus from my right breast after Rowan boycotted eating from that side. No wonder he wasn't interested in it. And no wonder I was feeling so ill. I've had my fair share of blocked milk ducts in the past (almost) 19 months, but this was in a new league... hello mastitis!

I chowed down on raw garlic, rosemary and hand-expressed what I could over an 18-hour period and, after hand-expressing milk several times last night and this morning (Rowan slept 11 hours straight), the lumps in my breast are a lot smaller and not feeling engorged/tight, and only mild tenderness remains. The red streaks across my breast are also gone today – and the colour of the milk is more normalised too. By tonight, Rowan fed normally off that side, so I’m guessing that the taste was back to his liking too. I haven’t felt so flu-like either so, while I wouldn’t consider myself in the clear just yet, I’m feeling a damned-sight better than I was 24 hours ago.

Rowan has been going through a pinching phase lately (not in anger/frustration, but experimentation; just touching skin and saying “ouch” – my breasts included. He pinched/pulled quite hard a couple of days ago, so I’m wondering if that had anything to do with what I have been going through?).

One of the women in our Mums Group announced that she is pregnant again (she is 11 weeks, her daughter is 18 months old and the youngest in the group; the rest of the babies are between 19-21 months old at the moment). I’m thrilled for her but understandably have a little stab of envy. While pregnant and parenting Rowan, it was/is easy for me to forget our fertility struggles at times... but knowing that more pregnancies are likely to be announced by the other ladies in the next year or two makes me a little apprehensive about our own next step. Yes, we want to have (at least) another child in the future, but I have no idea what form this will take. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through month after month of disappointment, or appointments, needles, hormones, medication, procedures and waiting. Oh the waiting. Yes, we were incredibly lucky to have conceived Rowan on our first attempt of IVF but who’s to say that we won’t be so lucky next time? Going through this all the first time I had nothing to compare it to. But now? Being older, wiser and with more life experience I know how hard it can be. And I’m scared. Even things such as riding the IVF rollercoaster and going to appointments without work/family knowing (ie, arranging care for Rowan) so at least we could keep things more of a surprise next time if/when pregnancy happens. 

Rowan at 18 Months

Happy half-birthday to Rowan – he turned 18 months old today. :)

This entry is partly for his scrapbook, partly to give you an insight into who our little boy is at this very moment. So feel free to skip over, devour or enjoy the pretty pictures. :P

Emotions are huge... I repeat, huge! When Rowan is happy he gasps and makes an “ehrrrrr” sound with his mouth open. No, we don’t know why either but it’s his most obvious form of glee. It’s generally reserved for finding his favourite foods or Play School beginning on the TV (which he really interacts with now, yelling out what he sees at the TV, or ‘dances’ to the songs etc), or if he’s babbling and we interpret it correctly.

Day sleep is pretty good, Rowan usually goes down to his one nap (anywhere from 1.5-3 hours, with 2-2.5 being the average) with minimal fuss, and now will allow familiar adults to put him into bed. He fights nighttime sleep more these days, and it doesn’t seem to be related to the amount of day sleep he gets. He is genuinely tired but seems to be going through a stubborn sleep phase at the moment – wall banging and kicking, yelling, rolling around. Once he is asleep he is generally okay, and sleeps 11-12 hours straight roughly half the time now, with a wake-up every few nights or so.

He wears Size 1 clothing for the most part, fitting into a few Size 0s around the waist of pants, and Size 2 for his tummy and sleeve length (he’s starting to get a little chubbier, so my guess is that he’ll grow in height again soon).

Since we were in Hobart recently (two weeks ago), he gets so excited about seeing pictures of or the hearing voices (or Skype!) of his extended family in Hobart – mainly Matt’s parents, whom we’re calling Oma and Grandad (“Da”, says Rowan; “Dada” is Daddy). Rowan asks to see a short video I took of him in Hobart with his Oma over and over again, he can’t get enough of it. He also refers to Hayley “Aah” (one of Matt’s sisters), who is in the video too.

Rowan has really gotten the hang of cutlery in the past month (I think that childcare may have played a part in this, he came home three weeks ago and suddenly knew how to scoop with a spoon, whereas he previously had no real accuracy with this movement).When given the choice between fork and spoon at the moment he’ll choose a spoon for the most part. Cutlery can also be used for unconventional food choices, as it turns out – Rowan recently spent about 15 minutes scooping the innards of a scone out with a teaspoon at lunch. He wouldn’t have a part in actually biting into it as he normally does, just wanted to use the spoon. ;)

Favourite foods at the moment are strawberries (they’ve been his favourite since he first tried them at 5 months old), cheddar cheese, yoghurt (we only have natural yoghurt at home, rather than the sweetened sort), watermelon, dehydrated apple, any kind of cake/muffin, salmon and scrambled egg.

Rowan has 2-3 breastfeeds per day, and sometimes a feed in the night if he wakes up unsettled. After thinking he was starting the self-weaning process a few weeks ago, he is now feeding more than ever (after a growth spurt). I've been on school holidays from work recently, and he's been helping himself to a couple of extra snack feeds during the day, mainly while we're cuddling on the couch.

Rowan is learning new words very quickly now, with a new word every couple of days. He is starting to grasp the concept of manners (“please” and “ta”; he’ll sometimes try to take something out of your hand while saying ‘ta’). He is beginning to refer to himself as “Ro-Ro” at times, especially if he sees a picture of himself. Previously, he and all other children were “baby” (“baah”). Everything seems to be about more at the moment – more cuddles, more books, more yoghurt, more slides. When people go or objects are put away, it’s always “buh bye”.

Books are still a firm favourite – Rowan has a really good memory and after reading a book once attaches a unique name to it (usually a 1-2 syllable word or babble for the book). You can then ask him what book he wants to read, and he will refer to it by name, and he’ll bring it to you. Some of the names are really obvious, “pi-der” for Incy Wincy Spider or “nigh-nigh” for Spot Says Goodnight, whereas others are more of a guessing game. Matt took Rowan to the library over the weekend and they chose six books. He has attached a title to four of these books already, asking for them by name.

Something I’ve been reluctant to talk about (though I’m a proud parent, I don’t want to appear as a boasting one, because that’s not the case at all) is the beginning of Rowan’s self-directed interests. In the past couple of months he has been exploring shape, colour and number. He has a shape puzzle and puzzle with numerals 0-9, and has memorised the shapes (and can apply this to many two-dimensional objects currently – circle, square, oval, heart, star; he points out examples he sees in books, or on TV or when we’re out and about. This is similar for colours too, Rowan has discovered two-level classification. That is, an object has a name but it also has a colour. You might see “car blue” as well as “car red” while out and about (he loves pointing out the colours of cars, and applies colour-spotting to other things too).

And the numbers... this is what is astounding me at the moment, Rowan’s ability to pick out numerals from everyday life. It started with his puzzle a few weeks ago, he was interested in the numbers and wanted to do his puzzle over and over again. We live in an apartment building (of eight apartments) and live on the top floor, meaning we pass by most of the other doors on the way down. Although I think part of it is stored information, he gets excited and tells you the number – which is in black – on each beige door. Rowan and I were in a cafe the other week and we were sitting at table #15. Rowan studies the table for a while before grinning and saying “num-mer five” to me, absolutely blew me out of the water. Other recent examples have included picking out individual numbers in package barcodes (yes, really!) and on computer keyboards. “Num-mer twoooo” is the default when he isn’t sure what number something is, but recognises it as a number.

Rowan was studying the front of a board book tonight so I pointed out the letters of the title, and he happily pointed back “beeeee” (the letter B). Oh lordy....

(I can’t believe that I wrote this much about toddler development...!)

Menstrual Cycles & Fertility After Baby

I’m in the process of returning to so-called ‘normal’ menstrual cycles following the birth of my baby.
After my post-partum (PP) bleeding (called lochia; it lasted 5-6 weeks for me) I didn’t have a period for seven months but begun to feel familiar stirrings in my uterus from about five months PP. I bled for a couple of days when my son was 7.5 months, and then again when he was 9 months old. Yesterday, out of nowhere (26 days after my previous bleeding; my son is 10 months old) my first proper period started... and boy, I wasn’t ready for that! I had forgotten how heavy they can be.

Lulled into a false sense of security, I thought that I might be one of those women who continues to bleed lightly during periods while breastfeeding their baby. Evidently this is not the case (my son has four breastfeeds a day, and 1-2 in the night, and has three solid meals). It was painful, though not as excruciating as I remembered. Perhaps natural childhood has changed my scales of pain now (or again, lulled into a false sense of security...!).

I’d been doing some research into whether you can take targeted pain relief medications while breastfeeding and most of my findings tend to be inconclusive. In the past I have taken naproxen for period pain relief, though the manufacturers don’t recommend it for breastfeeding mothers. A very small amount of the drug passes through your milk into the baby, but it is very small – about 1%. And in large doses (certainly not typical use) it can have effects on the baby’s digestive and intestinal tracts. Some women may not feel comfortable taking such a risk, but for me –with a history of endometriosis and very painful periods – these little blue pills have been my saviour through recent years. So I have decided to take them for pain relief even while breastfeeding. Now I’m not silly and don’t go above the recommended dosage (I have never really needed to in the past), but I think that’s more important now than it ever was. If pain relief over a 36 hour period (excuse the pun!) allows me to function throughout the day and look after my baby, then that’s something I’m definitely continuing. :)

So am I returning to pseudo-fertility? (remember that my son's birth was the result of IVF after endometrial scarring on the fallopian tubes made natural conception a very low possibility) Who knows, time will tell.

And I guess that's another thing too - if I was fertile and capable of becoming pregnant without the help of reproductive technologies - would we be ready for another child now? I hear many other infertile women (yes, I still consider myself infertile despite having had a child) say that they would be thankful for any successful conception and birth that came their way, but honestly... would I truly be ready now - with a 10 month old - to fall pregnant again now? No, I wouldn't be. If I did, I'd cry, laugh and get on with it. Would we consider IVF again right this second to increase the size of our family? Of course not. Yet I know women who would. Or women who are trying to conceive another baby when their babies are 18, 12 or even 6 months old!

We will have another child someday, but not in the near future if we lived in an ideal world where all our wishes were answered. And that's the truth.

On Breastfeeding

click image to enlarge

I’ve been doing some thinking recently, looking back over Rowan’s pictures of him as a newborn as I’ve scrapbooked his life so far. To some, parenting seems to come fairly easily – I thought it would for me because of my background as a preschool teacher... but I was wrong. The first three months were bloody hard, I’ll admit now. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation that I didn’t cope with very well, or the fact that Rowan and I had such trouble getting the hang of breastfeeding. I don’t know. But what I do know is that things got better.

I reached out when I found myself falling into a bottomless pit of dread and anxiety (especially about daytime sleep times and post-3pm when I’d find myself clock-watching until Matt got home from work). I got busy with my Mother’s Group, I started talking to my own Mum about my experiences, I tried to get back into my hobbies again. Life was being consumed by all things baby, baby, baby!

Forming a positive breastfeeding relationship with Rowan was one of the turning points for me. Sure, we’d been breastfeeding up until that point but because of the pain associated with his poor latch (it was discovered this was due to head/jaw/neck issues resulting from positioning in the womb and at birth by an osteopath and was treated accordingly... oh the difference it made over a  two-month period!!) it wasn’t all that enjoyable for me. Simply put, I remember turning up to a maternal health check-up with Rowan early because I couldn’t bear to be at home alone in my house anymore while he made mincemeat out of my left nipple! I was almost begging for permission from the health nurse to stop breastfeeding. Yes, I said it – I wanted to stop nourishing my baby.

But things got better. The sores and cracks healed, the sensitivity lessened. Rowan relaxed and so did I. He got into a pattern of daytime sleeping (and slept for longer periods during the night) and life became more predictable.

Six and-a-half months later, it has gotten easier. Three naps have become two (but are longer), he’s getting mobile and playing together is more interactive than it has ever been. Sure, there are difficult parts – teeth and breastfeeding aren’t always a good mix, but Rowan only tends to bite when he’s distracted and latching on poorly (with his tongue going above the nipple instead of below). All in all, he’s very gentle when feeding and is absolutely relishing his milk... he drinks it so fast these days too!

Breastfeeding for six months is not only a milestone for us, but also a wonderful act too. I’ve come to enjoy it, and the relaxing hormones that it sends throughout both our bodies.

Newborn Rowan

2 months

6 months.

Rowan is 8 Weeks Old

Rowan is now eight weeks old (I know... it's all passed quite quickly!), and making leaps and bounds in discovering the big wide world. The latest discovery has been his hands, and he has been attempting to smoosh his fingers (and fist!) into his mouth at any given occasion. He's also using this as a signal for wanting to feed, so it's keeping me on my toes, as if I don't catch this cue it often escalates into full-on screeching.

Actually, screeching is kind of inaccurate, it's more like a yell. He surprises those he meets with his big, deep cries - which is disproportionate to his petite frame. Rowan is a very long baby, and is longer than many of the babies in our Mother's Group... including those who are 12 and 13 weeks old. We think Rowan is going to be one tall child as he gets older....!

Rowan's smiles light up our world, he especially likes eye contact during nappy change times. He starts with a little, close-mouthed lopsided smile, which becomes a huge grin - a true 'D' face (and nearly an 'O' fac as he wildly contorts his face in extreme excitement.

People are starting to weigh in on who Rowan looks like. He resembles my baby pictures quite a bit, with a similar eye shape and lips to me. He also may have my unruly curly/wavy hair, as he has a few long strands on top of his head that are refusing to co-operate! Secretly I'd be thrilled by this, as I envisioned a little boy with wavy hair when I was pregnant with him. Rowan appears to have hubby's wide nostrils and hairline. It will be interesting to see how his physical appearance changes in the coming months.

He had his two-month immunisations during the week, which broke my heart to see him cry out in pain and surprise as the injections went in (my eyes welled up a little too). He was cranky and a bit drowsy for two days, but came good afterwards. I was on fever-watch for the first 24 hours, but thankfully his temperature remained normal.

After getting clearance from my obstetrician at six weeks, I've started getting back into soem gentle fitness. Just walking at the moment, but tackling hills and steep paths as my legs and ankles remember how to work again (with the IVF and pregnancy, it had essentially been a year since I'd been active). It feels good, despite knowing that the weather is cooling and the winds getting chillier. I've been carrying Rowan in the Babyhawk (a mei-tei carrier) while walking, which gives me my arms free, and keeps him warm and anuggly against my body too.

Breastfeeding continues to alternate between being easy and being a struggle. Rowan has successfully weaned off the nipple shield (which I'd been wearing on my left side during feeds since he was four days old) and with his rooting reflex gone, he's had to work harder to draw in either nipple when feeding. The right side has always been his preference, so we've been working strongly to get him feeding as confidently on the left side. I've had a few visits to the lacatation consultant, bared my chest to maternal health nurses, numerous nights in tears as Rowan detaches and I find bloody tissue where the end of my nipple is. It's still healing, but we're finally getting there... or so I think (I'm alternating between expressing milk for him and offering him that side - it can't cope with the 2-3 hourly feeds just yet, especially with such a strong suck!). Hopefully when I write next I can say that these troubles are behind us. :)

Here are a few pictures of the little man (who is quickly losing his 'newbornness')

Tummy time at five weeks old

Rowan and I at six weeks, in a jumpsuit that I didn't think would fit him for at least another month!

Seven weeks old

Seven weeks old

Seven weeks old and watching on as hubby codes his sister's business website.

Smiles at eight weeks

Gorgeous long eyelashes in profile. <3

Life with Rowan

Rowan is now sixteen days old, and already I can see that he is growing and changing. He is now 53.5cm (up 2.5cm from his birth length) and weighs 7lb 8oz (up from 7lb 2oz - or 3225g - at birth). Head circumference is 34cm, up 1cm. Not bad for two weeks and being nourished from my milk alone!

He is beginning to be more alert after feeds, and will sometimes be awake for 30-60min afterward, which means we can fit lots of cuddle time in before his sleeps. His eyes will try to focus and sometimes he goes a little cross-eyed. But Rowan is very much a serious soul so far, like his Dad.

We have been attempting to settle him into a predictable routine and so far, so good. He is a pretty good sleeper, and will sleep for 2-3 hours at a time - and when we time it correctly means a feed around 11pm or midnight, one between 2-3am and another between 6-7am (by which time the sun has started to come up and it doesn't feel like a 'night' feed, giving the illusion of less getting up at night).

However, that's not to say that every day/night has been easy, both hubby and I are learning to adjust to life with a baby, and the loss of personal time. Luckily for me, hubby has had time off work since Rowan was born, meaning that I've been able to nap during the day a little bit and we've shared nappy changes and comfort etc. Hubby has taken to parenthood like a duck to water, and it amazes me how much of a natural he seems (whereas I was worried about mishandling or dropping Rowan for the first few days; he was so tiny!).

My post-partum healing has been a bit up-and-down, after beginning to cramp and bleed more heavily after the first ten days. I'm being treated for a pelvic infection (and yes, that's as painful as it sounds!) and have been passing rather thick, tissue-y clots for the past 24 hours. I'm hoping that this leftover membrane is what my body has been trying hard to get rid of, as I'm feeling more comfortable this morning, and the blood flow appears to have slowed down for now *crosses fingers*. I'm trying to take it a bit easier too, as I think I've been doing a little too much, too soon.

Feeding is going well now, after a sluggish start. We're using a nipple shield on the left side as Rowan isn't keen on drawing the nipple in as yet, but is feeding like a champ this way. After working on positioning his head properly, he's getting a much better latch than he was originally (he used to detatch every minute or so, which had me concerned that he wasn't getting all the milk he needed). Having said that, my supply is much bigger on the right side, there's almost a full cup size difference between my breasts at the moment - I've been working at expressing to increase the supply on my left, but it hasn't made a huge difference so far. Still, given my whole supply it seems the perfect amount for him at present. :)

8 days old.



Wide-eyed and alert at 9 days old.



Rowan's first 'proper' outfit before his two week visit to the maternal health centre (and first visit at 'Nana's' house; my Mum)

Showing us his neck strength at 13 days old.

And lastly, what a difference 2.5 weeks can make! The picture on the left was taken at 38.5 weeks (about 5 days before the birth) and the one on the right was taken two days ago.