May 12, 2013

Mother's Day

It is Mother's Day here in Australia today, my third with a child on the outside (Rowan was 5 weeks old on my first one). As he lay in my arms feeding to sleep during naptime this afternoon, I realised how lucky I am, and the journey that it took to conceive him.

It’s beginning to hit me again that even though we have a terrific toddler and my body carried him well as a foetus, deep down I doubt that my infertility is something that has gone away. Hearing lots of baby news from other people I know personally lately (not online) has left me feeling jaded and envious, rather than genuinely happy for my friends. And this is something venomous that I want to stop the spread of, before it overwhelms me and my way of thinking. The interesting part is that I can understand how some people are happy with one child, their one and only. I completely get it, Rowan is the centre of my world and part of me is reluctant to change that. To go through everything again and perhaps not be so lucky (in conception, pregnancy or a child’s development). But I know that we won’t know until it happens, that so many other people (myself included) falter on the precipice of change.

Reading this back in a year’s time, will I nod and stand by my thoughts? 
Will I smile and remember how it felt to be trying to balance my mind?
Or will I laugh and simply consider myself silly for being afraid to take the plunge?

1 comment:

  1. Happy Mother's Day. I'm nearly 20 weeks in now and still have those's a leap of faith and it was not a decision I took lightly. I hope that whatever decision you make will be the one that brings you peace :)