October 24, 2010

Infertility in a Fertile World

I've had a few moments of serious thinking lately, which has been triggered by a few people saying "You're not infertile anymore, you're pregnant!".

I have a bit of a problem with this for a few reasons - if anything I feel more guilty because I have an obvious phyiscal marker of fertility in front of me every day now. People notice my growing bump (which has been on the move quite a bit this week), so it's easy to pretend on the outside that I'm fertile like a lot of the female population.

The trouble is that I'm not. IVF and the wonder of science has helped my husband and I achieve this dream of childbearing, and without it we would still probably be trying and experiencing BFN after BFN, slowly losing hope. Where do I sit now? With the women who pregnancy has come naturally to, or with the women who still yearn for a child and my bump is a reminder of what sets us apart?

It can be difficult being an infertile woman in a fertile world, and the thought of going through IVF again in the years to come terrifies me as I now know what we're in for. I'm not the praying type, but I hope that my fallopian scarring somehow reverses with this pregnancy.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Rebecca! You read my mind...I was just talking about this with another PAIF (pregnant after infertility) blogger. I feel like I don't really fit in either world any more. I feel guilty around my online community of IF friends. I don't want to pour salt on their wounds by talking about the pregnancy (in fact it's for this reason I don't think I'll ever be comfortable making it public on facebook...I always think there might be some poor woman out there who I don't even know is suffering with ttc and I don't want to hurt her).
    At the same time, I hear the same thing as you now that I am pregnant. My fertile friends (IRL) sometimes don't get why I'm so worried all the time. Constantly telling me to be happy. But they can't relate to the feeling of never believing this would be possible for us. They certainly fear losing their child, but they can't relate to just how hard it was for us to get to this point and to think of losing it and knowing all the work it will take to "maybe" have it again. I wake up all the time imagining how heartbroken I'd be and also how much I don't want to go through IVF again.

    At least we have each other...the PAIF community is my new niche :)