The Next Step

In three sleeps (can you tell I'm a teacher of young children?) I'll be seeing my fertility specialist to seek referral to one of the IVF clinics in my city. When I last saw her in October last year, she wasn't keen to refer me on straight away (I was also having difficulty coming to terms with the I-word at that point (well... two I-words...infertility and IVF), instead preferring me to wait until April to come and see her again. Of course, I made the appointment for April 1st. ;)

In that time, I'm sad to say that my husband and I haven't had success with conceiving naturally, but I'm proud of myself to being able to wait until my March cycle ended before contacting our FS (patience is not one of my finest points at times!). I'm more at ease with our situation now, and can talk about fertility-related things without cringing or tearing up. So I guess this makes me more ready to take that next step?

So in a few days I'll officially be making a call to the IVF clinic after getting my referral and getting on their books. And then the next chapter of this story will begin.

In the meantime, I'm occupying my time with some of these things:

Homemade chocolate sponge cake for celebrating birthdays

Exploring the city of Melbourne with good friends as part of a fundraising activity (that's me with the beaded necklace!)

Home organisation (I have my own Tupperware drawer)


Waking up to gorgeous sunrises!

My gorgeous Cockatiel who goes by the name of Jesse (he's molting here, so looking a little dishevelled)

A New Year

So here I am, into 2010 and still at the same point that I was at in January 2009... childless and trying to retain hope in a world that seems to be all about celebrating the joy of children (both born and yet-to-be). This year marked a myriad of cards from friends both within Australia and across oceans that celebrated new arrivals, and smiling happy pictures of families that called themselves 'complete'. So for the month of December my computer desk contained babies, children and more babies (and the occasional ultrasound picture with mistletoe attached), all in 2D form.

However, these were pushed towards the back (oh yes, it's true!) in favour of the cards written by the Kindergarten families that I worked with, whose heartfelt messages of love, support and admiration remind me of why I got into teaching in the first place. Only one family knew of my desire to fall pregnant and that it wasn't happening for us, and they kept my secret. As the years have passed, I've kept meaningful cards in a shoebox, and referred to them in times of frustration (or desperation when I have a particularly challenging class!) and knowledge that despite feeling out-of-my-depth at times I'm truly making a difference in the lives of others.

As for life in general, it's been a time of upheaval... here's a snippet:

* Hubby and I moved house (from a 2br unit to a 2br apartment - holy downsizing, Batman!)
* All of my friends who were trying for a baby in 2009 got their heart's desires
* I finally got some answers about why we haven't been able to fall pregnant

That's right... some answers!

In November, it was discovered that everything on my husband's side is perfect (after the blood/analysis tests showed 'donor quality' results). However, after my ultrasounds, blood tests and finally a Levovist (similar to a HSG) test done, I have blocked fallopian tubes. Total blockage on the right side, and a little of the dye solution was able to run out past my left ovary.

While it was very distressing at the time to hear that there was genuinely a reason for our infertility, it was also reassuring to know that it wasn't my husband and that something can be done. I'm not exploring more surgery at this point (not even for the suspected relapse of my endometriosis), but I'm taking buchu (a herb) in tincture form to assist the clearing of blockages. Our fertility specialist has recommended we wait until April before coming back to begin looking into treatments.

We'll probably be going straight to IVF *gulp* as with my blocked tubes we're not candidates for IUI. I'm a little scared as to all of the hormones/injections that this will involve, and more importantly how we'll afford this - IVF is expensive here in Australia (especially now that changes have been made to the Medicare rebate and cycles need to be paid for upfront). But if this process is what leads us to becoming parents, then I'm fully embracing it!

And in the meantime? I start back to a new Kindergarten year in ten days, and if anything will get my mind off the next three months of waiting, it'll be that!

The Fertility Clinic

It has been an appointment-filled week (both medically and socially), yesterday was my appointment with my naturopath and today’s was with the fertility clinic.

I nearly cancelled the naturopathic appointment and asked for my herbals tinctures to be mailed out, as there hasn’t really been a change in my wellbeing or cycles. Sure, last cycle was a short one (24 days) but I did ovulate early and still managed to have a 12-day luteal phase. In the end, I’m glad I went – it was a sunny day, the scenery on drive over to her practice was gorgeous (as per usual; there are vineyards, fields and distant mountains... I think that’s natural therapy within itself!). My herbs are more of the same and I’ve been challenged to eat an organic banana – no small feat seeing as though I can’t stand that taste/texture of bananas, yet I find myself craving them often!

She also reassured me about today’s appointment, and that even though the specialist I would be seeing is western medicine-based, she won’t condone eastern/natural therapies either. She had some tests she wanted the results of (updated iron work and B12), so to get them tacked onto whatever blood work was being ordered.

Which brings me today, and the pseudo-adventure that was the fertility clinic. First thing I noticed? Sterile building (near-new) and long white walkway. Silence, my shoes make squeaking sounds down the hallway of doom hope. In the waiting room sits three other women, their body language echoing mine... drooping shoulders. One is clutching the hand of her partner, another dabbing her left eye with a tissue, and the last knitting while staring out into the distance. And then there’s me – trying to absorb myself in a magazine while the receptionist is busy on the phone with call after answered call about medications, menstruation and IVF.

The doctor is running a little late, but finally she calls my name (yes, a female specialist!) and I’m drawn into her office, which is less sterile than the surrounding areas. We discuss my history (ovarian cysts and endometriosis, Zoladex and contraceptives) and my cycles. I had printed out some of my charts, which she had a look at. I showed her the comparisons of before and after natural therapies and how it’s lengthened my luteal phase, but pushed back ovulation time. The doctor still thinks my cycles “need improvement” (yes... I’d like to see them improved too – to show pregnancy!).

While she doesn’t think my endometriosis has returned (because it’s only been just over a year since the Zoladex treatments; I beg to differ on this one), she showed an interest in what had been discovered in my laparoscopy and where (chocolate brown cysts on the back of my uterus and on my bowel) and that it must have been “severe” for “Zoladex to be implemented”... no, I wasn’t aware of that.

I sat quietly while the doctor explained reproduction and what needs to happen for conception to take place (again... who’d have thought it was sex that caused pregnancy... wow!!!), before she made her recommendations. This was where I could have done with my husband's moral support.

Three tests were ordered (which I was expecting, so no big surprises there) –

* General ultrasound of my pelvic area (no dye in my tubes at this point, unless the below tests come back normal)
* Blood tests for oestrogen/progesterone levels (to prove ovulation; taken 7 days after it typically occurs)
* Semen analysis for my husband

The last one was what got to me the most – even though my husband said he’d be willing to go along with it (previously; he doesn’t know that it’s actually been recommended today yet), I still felt saddened that he’s going to have go through this process... how demeaning!

“The best way to deal with all of this is to get you pregnant, and fast” said the doctor, as if to notify me of a goal I didn’t know existed. If my tests and my husband's tests all come back normal, then the next step is most likely going to be IVF. To be honest, I’m scared s**tless about the idea of this and am trying to think positive thoughts and that maybe, just maybe, something tangible comes up on the analysis or my ultrasound that explains everything.

My ultrasound is next Thursday morning.

Endo is Back

And here I am, absent from this blog for a while but still without child in my womb.

Truth be told, there has been a lot going on in life right now, and I wonder if I've take on too much. Running a Kindergarten, househunting (trying to break the rental cycle), trying for a baby... sometimes it all feels like too much at once and something will have to give.

My naturopath visits have been going really well, and it's almost as if she is my emotional support right now... more and more I have been confiding in her my hopes and my fears.

I've been in denial for the past couple of months about my health, and am sad to say that my endometriosis has now returned. Painful symptoms are back (the old daily ovulation-style pains, along with excrutiating pains for the first 2-3 days of my cycle, ascending up almost into my abdomen/diaphragm. Absolutely crushing news, as I really didn't want to have to go down the western medical route again for endometriosis management.

My husband (and several friends) have commented that perhaps it's time to give the natural route the flick and see a fertility specialist - it's been almost a year now since we started our TTC journey.

I'm devestated. :(

Cautiously Optimistic

I ovulated a little earlier this month that usual, which was a surprise... but luckily my husband and I were ready. Trusting one's instincts really pays off at times! ;)

When a couple is trying to conceive, they usually get a lot of information from other people (generally well-meaning) about sex. The what, how, when, why... and I've seen many couples succumb to the monotony of babymaking (as opposed to lovemaking). You know what I mean - when sex becomes a chore and not an act of love.

I can understand how it's easy to fall into that way of thinking - and there have been times of choosing sex instead of sleep simply because the timing is good (etc). But never once have we let it become monotonous or endgame-driven. In fact, to keep us sane and the pressure off, my husband prefers me not to tell him when I'm fertile and just initiate (though I'm sure he realises... he's an intelligent thinker).

So here I am, four days post-ovulation and feeling those ovulation-type twangs (which are also endometriosis-style twangs... but I'd rather not be regressing again) and secretly hoping that for once it's an implantation twang and not simply my body ready to shed its womb once more.

A rose quartz carried on my body at all times (a loan from a good friend)... the herbal conconctions that I drink twice daily... the cleansing of my diet and plenty of fresh air and laughter. Will this ninth month finally be our charm? I should know the answer in about a week, give or take...

That's Where my Dust Went

I think that I’ve figured out what has happened to my baby dust... it’s gone to many of the families in my Kindergarten group!

In the last month, not one...or two...but THREE of the parents have announced that they’re expecting (all in the first trimester), leaving me dolling out many congratulations – all genuine, I might add. However, if any more families in my group of 25 make an announcement, then I’ll probably lie on the floor while kicking and screaming... which would make a nice spectacle for the four year-olds. ;)

Career and Nurturing

Here I am, on the first day of a new cycle today.

That makes nine months of actively trying for our first child (and almost unimaginably, we would be on the verge of having a newborn in our lives if we’d conceived in our first couple of months).

As anyone that’s reading this who has been through the whole TTC journey would know, it has its ups and downs. My frustrations have been extreme at times, but I have faith that one day soon my husband and I will be blessed with a child of our own. I know that there’s so much I’ve been doing ‘right’ (ie, cutting out caffeine, getting healthier and in a more positive headspace) in the past year, I just hope know that it’s all enough.

Time for me to reveal a little more about the person that I am... I work with children on a daily basis as a Kindergarten teacher (here in Australia, our Kindergarten year is more like what some of you would know as preschool – very much play-based). I adore my job, and for a year the children that I nurture and teach become my children. My days are filled with laughter, joy and sunshine...I honestly can’t think of a better way to spend them. When the families that I work with ask about my own family, I’m good at smiling and saying that it’ll happen when it happens (but at the same time it hurts, too...).

For the time being, I keep honing my Hokey Pokey skills. ;)